size zero

was able to tap into my ancient photographs circa 2003. goodness, i was skinny. the funny thing is, that time i felt really fat, just like i felt fat ten years before that and five years earlier when i was 14. i had such a bad case of body dysmorphia. my appetite along with my metabolism changed once i fell pregnant. although i've never reached full term and was never successful in all three pregnancies, i couldn't shake off the weight i had gained.

i still couldn't.

but no sweat, i don't reckon to be truly gluttonous. i've seen anorexia at its harshest and it's brutal. no eating, no drinking, weighing only 27kg, NG fed (the tube's insertion is an exercise in futility, it's pulled out immediately) and such dangerous mindset. anorexia could be primarily a western affliction. i've never encountered an extreme case back home, or if there was, i didn't see one. when one's in poverty with hardly any health insurance, food, which is the most basic in the hierarchy of needs, is the be all of existence.

society's emphasis on the trim and thin figure is overwhelming. the fashion industry, the entertainment industry, the beauty pageants all hail the tiny waistline. the stars can usually afford trainers and nutritionists. for mere mortals, like us, the focus should be on eating healthily, consisting of all the basic food groups and proper exercise. i'm carbo loading on rice, cannot stand the taste of greens, has no time for cardio and resistance training.

hopefully, i'll figure it out somehow.