to my dad with love

(for reasons i can't explain, the phrases in the vernacular whether in tagalog or hiligaynon are not translated into english).

time seems to have stood still. i haven't accepted the fact that i'm without a father. dad was way too young to have left this world. he was the kindest person i know. maalwan. he had his share of idiosyncrasies. but he was my father.

for all the sanctimonous sermons i've heard in the last week. i'm left reeling and forever asking the inevitable question. why my dad? why not the bitch at work who cannot differentiate whose and who's even if her life depends on it? for all the romanticism associated with a nursing degree, it has only left me despondent. i should have worked extra hours but the strain of another aborted pregnancy rendered my earthly state thoroughly nauseated and weak.
no enhancements, no gingerbreads.

"pigaw abi ang dialysis."
"paano kasi uremic siya, minsan lang siya mag-dialysis."
words uttered as if i was daft. i know my concepts, people.

if only we were rich. growing up, money has never been overflowing. isang kahig, isang tuka. the wages were just enough for daily sustenance. a life devoid of private transport yet i didn't feel improverished. at university, rich and poor were on equal footing anyway.

it hurts to think that dad wouldn't be able to see his future grandchildren.
he wouldn't be able to participate in any of life's upliftments.
no more singing.

it hurts. we'd rather have our dad back.
he was in pain. i wasn't there. i was embedded in a foreign shore, not earning enough.
he was weak.
i didn't ring home and it's haunting me.
i wasn't able to say goodbye.
dad, hope you'll forgive me.